the dark side of the moon

liburan kali ini, jatuh di saat yg tepat.

kenapa?

karena gw lagi butuh waktu untuk bersembunyi dari dunia luar. lately, i feel so insecure that sometimes i don't want to see myself in the mirror. i feel so desperate. i want to go out but i don't know what to do. i can't think or sleep. i'm starting to lose my own identity. i often asking myself "who are you? what are you doing? ".
bisa gila gw lama-lama kalo begini. emang paling baik adalah gw keluar rumah. cari udara segar. tapi entah kenapa i felt so paranoid. hal itu bisa dilihat dari berapa kali gw ganti baju seblm keluar rumah. i was so afraid of what other people might think when they see me.
lalu tiba-tiba hari uda sabtu aja, dan pasti gw akan pergi keluar. sumpah gw tadi males-malesan bgt untuk pergi. gw juga entah beberapa kali ganti baju sebelum memutuskan "bodo amat deh. fuck trying to be stylish. it's not about what wears by who but who wears what..". lalu gw pergi ke citos sama mama dan ade.
di citos gw ketemuan ama 4 sahabat gw. and for the first time in weeks, i felt so comfortable in my own skin. gw ga peduli lagi ama penampilan fisik gw, gw ketawa terbahak-bahak ampe jomplang dsb. laluu gw menyadari how much they mean to me.

kalo pd heran kenapa gw begitu concern dgn penampilan, akan gw jelaskan dari awal. i have body image issues. gw selalu merasa gendut, merasa jelek dan merasa rendah. intinya gw benci fisik gw. ga selalu benci sih, tp seringnya iya. biasanya percaya diri gw ancur kalo ke butik dan baju yg gw suka jatohnya jelek di badan gw. biasanya abis itu gw suka diem-diem ga makan. yes, i have eating disorder, and i'm not proud about it. biasanya sih, abis dinasehatin temen, gw jg jd bener sendiri. but when i saw those gorgeous and skinny girls, once again i avoided the mirrors. i know need help. i'm showing early signs of depression. still, i hate myself even more as the day goes by. bahkan merokok pun uda ga bisa membantu lagi.
di post yg dulu-dulu gw terkesan centil dengan jumlah gebetan yang byk. dulu sih begitu. sekarang gw mempertanyakan diri gw sendiri kalo lagi suka ama org "yakin dia bkal suka balik ama gw? apa yg bisa bikin dia suka ama gw? banyak yang jauh lebih cantik dan kurus dari gw". god, it kills me.

oh iya, gw jg mau cerita soal foebus ya?

pokoknya foebus itu org yg gw suka. gw pribadi blm ketemu ama dia, but i'm a fan of his works. he's older than me but his look covers his age. gw suka ama dia uda setaun. i was crazy about his works, and he was so nice to me. suddenly he went missing. i was quite sad but took no big deal about his whereabouts until he came to my dream. i know i knoow it sounds corny and stupid, but the dream was so real. it felt like really happened on the day before i woke up. after that, i couldn't stop thinking about him and keep looking for him. about 6 months ago, he finally showed. i was so happy. we were contacting each other and he showed good interests in me. i was on the moon! but he was so hard to meet. i've arranged 2 meetings with him, and he never showed. i was sad, but in the end of the day he always apologized and i said "that's fine. i totally understand". he kept playing with my emotions. and someday, when he didn't call me for a month, i knew that this has to be stopped. but he called me, and i fell for him again.
yang aneh adalah, gw yg hobi naksir org ini ga bisa naksir orang lain selama gw suka ama foebus. bener-bener ga ada selera. tapi gw mencoba untuk ga terlalu bergantung dgn dia. gw mencoba suka ama orang lain karena gw diem-diem menyadari kalo foebus ini bukan sesuatu yang gampang didapat. i still don't know much about him!
lalu dia mengecewakan gw lagi. dan kali ini parah. ga bisa gw tulis detailnya karena bagaimanapun juga, gw masih ada hati ama dia, but don't expect me to talk to him again. yang tersisa buat dia sekarang cuma benci. i don't think he even has the guts to apologize this time.
tmen gw, asri dan nicho uda dari jauh-jauh hari nasehatin untuk selesai dengan dia, tp gw nya malah ndablek. tapi ga papa jg sih, dengan gini gw sadar dan belajar.
gw jd geli sendiri inget betapa histerisnya dulu gw ngomongin foebus, sekarang malah pahit rasanya mulut gw kalo nyebut nama dia. dan kalo ngeliat fotonya, di kepala gw cuma terngiang "how could you?".

well, perilaku foebus ke gw cuma icing on the cake dari segala ke-insecure-an gw ini.
god, how i miss my campus! i can't believe i just said that!!
di kampus jg ada org yg mau dijodohin ama gw, inisialnya 'a'. gw agak suka ama dia. semoga aja kali ini gw bisa settle down (bukan, bukan nikah!).

huaaahhhmmmm..
sheila, olga, kyas + olaf thanks for making my day so worth to live..
onde'!
hahahahaaa

hasta la vista!
.p